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5 steps to help you overcome any guilt you may be feeling during the pandemic, according to a psychotherapist

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  • Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, licensed clinical social worker, mental strength coach, and international bestselling author.
  • She recognizes that many people may be experiencing feelings of guilt due to COVID-19, either because they lost their job, or can't visit their elderly parents, or are struggling to be there emotionally for their loved ones.
  • Morin says it's important to acknowledge these feelings of guilt, but not to dwell on them, or they may become a larger issue.
  • She encourages cutting yourself some slack, realizing that this is an unprecedented difficult time for everyone, and engaging in compassionate self-talk.
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As a mental strength coach, I'm hearing a common concern right now: "I feel guilty." Parents feel guilty for yelling at their kids, letting them watch too much TV, or failing at educating them "properly."

Adult children feel guilty they can't visit their parents, help them around the house, or even bring them to the store.

Employees feel guilty they aren't as productive as usual, aren't providing enough value, or aren't able to connect with their coworkers in a meaningful way. Employees who still have to leave home to go to work feel guilt that they may be putting their families at risk.

Partners report feeling guilty that they aren't being kind, can't offer enough reassurance that everything will be OK, or just aren't feeling romantic.

The list could keep going. But you get the picture. Social distancing has changed life as we know it. And many people feel bad that they can't do as much as they're used to doing.

Guilt isn't likely to be helpful right now. In fact, it can lead to some unhealthy choices if you're not careful. Fortunately, the following strategies can help you deal with whatever type of guilt you're feeling in a healthy way:

SEE ALSO: 11 tips for managing your anxiety during the coronavirus pandemic, according to a therapist who specializes in anxiety

READ MORE: How remote work can affect and improve your mental fitness depending on your social personality, according to a psychotherapist

1. Apologize when it's warranted

Guilt can be a normal, healthy emotion. It can serve as a reminder that you hurt someone, or that you did something out of line with your values.

But it can also occur when things aren't going the way you wish or when people aren't feeling the way you want. So right now you might feel guilty that you can't safely be present with people, or you may feel guilty that your kids are missing out on activities — even though these things aren't your fault. 

Take a minute to consider how warranted your guilt really is. If you've yelled at your kids or said unkind things to your partner, this guilt might mean you owe someone an apology.

But if your guilt isn't warranted, it's important to recognize that as well.



2. Accept it

Guilt is a normal emotion. Don't waste your energy fighting it. Otherwise, it may become a much bigger presence in your life.

Instead, notice it. Acknowledge it. Label it as guilt, and accept that you're experiencing it.

Don't deplete your brainpower thinking, "I shouldn't feel this way," or "If I feel guilty, I have to do something about it." Instead, tell yourself you're experiencing guilt, and then move on.



3. Check your behavior

Guilt feels uncomfortable, so it's tempting to do whatever you can to feel better. But some choices that relieve guilt aren't necessarily good for you or anyone else.

Let's say you feel guilty that your kids are bored since they aren't going to school. You might be tempted to feed them ice cream every day for lunch because it makes them happy. Obviously, eating ice cream for lunch every day isn't good for their health — so you may end up feeling even guiltier down the road.

Right now it's important to cut yourself some slack. You might need to let the kids play video games so you can get work done. Or you might let them eat less healthy snacks than usual because you aren't going to the store as often to buy fresh fruit. That's OK.

But just make sure you aren't reacting out of a desperate choice to relieve your guilty feelings.



4. Change the story you tell yourself

Take a look at the story you're telling yourself. See if there's another way to reframe it. 

If you think, "I'm a bad daughter for not helping my parents," then remind yourself, "I'm doing the most loving thing I can right now by not visiting them."

Or if you tell yourself, "I'm a bad dad for locking myself in my office all day instead of playing with the kids," try telling yourself, "I'm being a good dad by teaching the kids that I'm a hard worker and I can adapt to different situations when I need to."

Pay attention to the story you're telling yourself, and create an alternative. Remind yourself of the new story whenever you feel guilty.



5. Talk to yourself like a trusted friend

You might think harsh self-criticism will motivate you to do better. But speaking to yourself in an unkind manner is likely to backfire. 

The research is clear — self-compassion is the key to doing better. Studies also show self-compassion can help you get through adversity better, and it can reduce your psychological distress (things we can all use right now).

Monitor your self-talk. When you call yourself names, beat yourself up for mistakes, or try to talk yourself out of doing something difficult, pause for a minute. Ask, "What would I say to a friend who said this to me?"

You'd likely offer that friend kind, supportive words. Give yourself similar words of encouragement. Speaking to yourself in a more compassionate way can help you feel better and do better.

The world is flipped upside down right now, and you've had to adapt. The guilt you feel is likely in response to the abrupt changes you and your family are experiencing. Remind yourself as often as needed that these changes aren't your fault and that you aren't responsible for everyone's discomfort.




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